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Hip Sobriety School, Day 32

"I walk through fire to save my life."

· Uncovery

This! This mantra is one that needs to be tattooed backward on my forehead so I can read it every time I look in the mirror. (I know, my forehead only has so much real estate and it's rapidly becoming covered with tats.)

I'm always a generation behind on the acronyms so I had to google NQTD to figure out what our tribe was talking about. Never Question the Decision. Forget the ups and downs and emotional roller coasters and waxing or waning resolve and unpredictable temptations or the voice of what Holly calls the Insatiable Dwarf who lives inside of her. No matter what happens or how you feel, NQTD.

I know that it's possible for me to harness my unbending inner Bull (or pig-headedness as he has been so unkindly described on select occasions). In a rare moment of introspection, my dad once said that I was more of a challenge to raise than my brother. "You were far more willful and stubborn, especially as a toddler." For the Trauma-Damaged, People-Pleasing, Queen of Co-Dependence whose inner child grew up in a world of suppression, those words were sweet music. Good for little Margaret and her indomitable true spirit. Energy under pressure may blow and rupture and spew and shake, but it can never be held down forever. That's why the process of returning to our Self can make for such an...interesting journey.

Granted, my Insatiable Dwarf has been running the show for far too long and he expects that his every whim will continue to be indulged. He's not about to go away or even shut up. But the Bull is still in there, too—like like a long-dormant, sleeping giant. Obstinate and unyielding or charging blindly forward with one singular thought, one course of action.

Back on New Year's Day, my precious Hello Sunday Morning tribe started a thread of choosing one word as our focal point, our battle cry for the next 365 days. Mine was steadfast. Clearly, it's time to awaken and arouse the mental firewall of my inner Stubborn Bull. He's the one who wields an uncompromising determination to be with the fire and walk through it to the other side. As often as it takes, over and over. He's the iconic image for the ultimate NQTD wall poster.  This guy...

broken image

Back when I was a serious student of astrology, the two-word description of Bull energy was "I have"—not "I will." This guy holds on and never lets go. Any attempt to persuade, cajole, tempt, push, or pull him off course is met with an even greater resolve. His heels dig even further into the ground. His stands as an unmovable force, rock solid, deaf to the chatter of reason or doubt. The embodiment of NQTD.

My inner Bull has just received a gilded invitation to step up, fully engage, usurp his power, and apply his unstoppable energy to the process. His image is going up on the vision board, he's invited to show up in meditation, he might even end up staring at me from a magnet-photo-holder on the refrigerator door. He's joining the party big time and his theme song is "I'll take you there."